Today

Well….. this morning I went to the antiqe store with Lance. While we were walking my thumb started swelling up for no reason and my left arm felt numb and weird. Considering Ive been having chest pains and breathing issues… this concerned me.

Called the midwife. She said.. you prob dont need the hospital for a miscarriage but def go get your heart checked. So we decided to go.

Right before we left…I started bleeding.

At the hospital they gave me an ekg. It was clear. The nurse, Patrick, was awesome and sweet (his bday is Oct 9th too). I told him about how horrible my last ekg was and he was careful not to be intruding. (I dont like people seein my biznass)

However, he was somewhat blind. He tried to put an IV in my right arm and it hurt like he77!!!…and gave no blood. SO he took it out and tried again in my right hand. More pain and still no blood. :-/ So he apologised profusely, bandaged me up and I went back to the waiting room.

About an hour later we got an ER room. The nurse that came in was awesome. Big ol cowboy dude. I declined another IV and he talked me into it. He said he would make it happen. He was awesome. I barely even felt it. They got tons of vials blood and even left one for Lance to wear around his neck a la Billy Bob and Angelina.

Then the ultrasound (US) tech came. A guy. He said he was taking me to get my vaginal us. I was like………um NO. Again they tried to convince me and im like…. “Ya know, my husband is the only man who needs to be all up in my cheesy cracks. If you dont have a female tech it aint happening.” So they reluctantly did a tummy exam and didnt see anything.

Then the doctor ordered a pelvic exam.

Do they not pay attention?

The cowboy nurse did. He came in and said….”umm you do know the doctor is going to do a pelvic exam…?”

I was like “ummmmm, nah im good”.

So we waited. In the end they said my hormone levels were about 4000 and should be around 10000 but that 4000 is still pretty high. That my heart looked good (except it still hurts) and that I was not at risk. So I went home.

Maybe my heart is just breaking. IDK.

Im ok this ten seconds though. It always hits me AFTER the baby comes. So stay tuned.

I love all yaull and I know your prayers are the reason I am staying chipper. Do not question that YOUR prayers are what gives me the strength to deal with this…………..again. Praise our most awesome and loving G-d for the unity of the believers which I believe is the sign of a real believer.

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Emotional Pain

Struggling struggling struggling

Why do people who are believers reject other believers? WHY do they think they have the right to decide which brethren are in their lives and which arent? We are so spoiled.

We prefer our TVs over people.

We prefer our jobs over people. Fishing. Hunting. Computers.

We are sooo easily offended. If someone doesnt fit our cookie cutter mold of how we think people should act we kick them out of our lives.

Before computers, we always thought thats what was happening…. as people stopped calling us or emailing us. When they started acting strange at church or work or school. But now…how much easier it is to just hit that delete button and delete someone right out of your life. And do you think they dont know?

Its sickening to me and my heart can not handle the pain. I take relationships very seriously. I rejoice with the people I love. I CRY REAL TEARS when someone you love dies or is ill.When you hurt I hurt with you!!! Even some of you I dont hardly know!

I dont ask for anyone to agree with me. Just be nice. Why is that so damn hard?

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Trying to be hopeful…. not working

I have been trying to be hopeful but its not working. I think women just know things. The back pains, the gush, the day I couldnt stop crying at church…. I dont feel pregnant anymore. My tummy doesnt feel like theres a bubble in it when I lay on it. 😦

I hate to be despairing but I feel certain weve lost this baby too. I wont know until tuesday though.

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Dunt da dah

Ok so my back feels better. PTL!

My tooth however is being very poopy. I chipped it a few months ago and now there is this nice little hole where all the sugar bugs are getting in and wrecking havok. 😦 I did have a dentist appointment but I cancelled it because I am a huge baby so we got some myco instead.

Confirmed today that I will be having an ultrasound on tuesday. I have one goal and that is to leave with a living baby in my womb. I doubt ill be able to rest until I hear/see that heartbeat.

No matter what…it is in G-ds hands.

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My back hurts

My back is hurting so bad. Its one big ache though. Not spasms or anything. Ive had 5 kids so I know what contractions feel like. I have actually had one or two pains that feel like contractions. **sigh**

I am trying not to worry but its so hard. I mean, I carried Xion for THREE WEEKS while he was deceased. To read that story (its short) go here. I cant help but think this baby has also passed and my stupid pitocin addicted body is just going “dur de durr” and not paying attention.

L-rd please help me not to worry.

I want what you want L-rd. Im ok if you take this baby too. Ive lived through it twice before, I can do it again. I dont want to…………but I can.

😦

worried

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Scare today

I had a scare this morning. A gush. I was going OH NO OH NO!

It was nothing though. Water?

Well at least I hope its nothing. When I lost Xion at 18 weeks I never got a gush. I mean, is there even enough AF built up to have a gush at 7 weeks?

Keep us in your prayers. I get an ultrasound on the 6th. I am hoping to hear or see that little heartbeat.

Oh our boy name? Aniken Russell Braswell which means “may the force be with you little red”.

LRRH

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Hiney ma tov

Behold how good and pleasant it is for brethren to dwell together in Unity.

Today I went to a church that my family had been attending. I stopped going shortly after Christmas last year. My husband and kids kept going. I found a new congregation.

The people are nice but the theology is off and I offended some of them because I wasnt a carbon copy of them. (I still dont understand how christians can think its ok to get offended.)

It was good and I think most of them were happy I was pregnant because they watched me struggle to get pregnant for over a year.  My friend Janis is pregnant with me.

Everyday brings so many opportunities for change. I am hoping for a daughter for a few wrong reasons (to show up some (ahem) “friends” who have girls) but mostly for the right reasons. Im hoping she will take the edge off of me as I will want to teach her to be the lovey lady I am not. LOL

I will shop with her. Alot. And it will be more fulfilling than Legos.

Her name (as of now) will be: Kryssa Ilyann Braswell which means “follower of Christ, I love you, grace & favor.

She will be as beautiful as her name.

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